Perfect.

The first thing I learned about the transgender experience, is that they are all unique. Some individuals identify as trans without doing a single thing to alter their appearance. No hormone therapy. No surgeries. Just trans. 

Hearing this scared me to my core. 

How can I research, learn, and help my son with his transition if there isn’t a single “right” way to do things?

Because if I’m going to be a trans parent, then I’m going to be the best!

The quest for being the perfect TransMama solved two things. First, I could dive into a subject I knew very little about and become an expert on it. Second, I didn’t have to deal with my feelings because I was too busy doing research that I didn’t have time to dwell on emotions.

I put any sadness away to focus on becoming a well-informed trans parent who knew what to say and what not to say. I did this for about six months and then the tears started again.

I hadn’t cried since that first week after he came out. It’s like my heart finally caught up with my brain and realized that I no longer have a daughter.

I see little girls out in public and I cry instantly. I remember my child at that age and I miss her.

She was my baby doll who I dressed up and played with. I knew her for so many years and now it’s all gone. She’s gone.

And even as I’m writing this, I realize that I’m not supposed to refer to him in the past as a “she.”

Turns out I’m not going to be the perfect TransMama. But my hope is that I’m a pretty damn great one.